Saying that you're not at all concerned with the path that you'll take eventually

Having to listen to others discuss about their plans for their future

While maintaining that smile

And repeating that chant which you've been telling yourself.

Wherever the river floats me to,

That'd be my rest place.

Yet there must be a certain spot which you hold some fascination for.

Some specific place where you feel you want to be

Though knowing where your preference lies

You maintain that non-commital stance

Being fine with everything and anything is your facade.

And when the die is cast and the results come rolling by

You couldn't do anything but watch as your fate is being determined

You want to say with a smile that you're really fine

And you succeeded in fooling even the most seasoned liar.

But whomever you fool, you can't fool past your heart

Even so, there's nothing you can do to turn back time

To redo things so the ending might be different.

However you're feeling

No matter how overwhelmed you feel by the growing disappointment

You'll still have to suck it up and move on

Give yourself some time to yourself alone

But that's the most that you can take

Without dropping that carefully guarded front that you've been holding up for months.

I know that I should not whine about my misfortunes. Because no matter how bad I think my misfortune is, it can't ever compare to the misfortunes of so many other people. Especially for a young person with no greying hairs living in a developed country with access to technology and who does not have any outright family or financial problems or whatsoever. So should I whine and complain about certain bad things which just happen to happen to me for no reason at all, it's unfair to the many other people in this world who don't even have that privilege to complain about such things.

But still, since a blog exists to allow the blogger to vent his or her frustrations and express his or her feelings and thoughts, I shall be selfish and go ahead and whine all I want. After all, they say that if you force yourself to keep things inside you you'll got internal injuries. (ok this is just crap, said by me)

In all my life until now, I've lost my ez link card a total of 4 times. Twice were when I was in secondary school and I lost that blue ezlink card with my photo on it. Another twice were during this year when I switched to using the adult ezlink card. The second adult ezlink card which I bought after I lost the other one was new and barely a day old. Somehow I'm just a person who's prone to dropping such cards. And after the 4th time I lost it, I learnt my lesson and I've been paying extra attention to my belongings.

But still it wasn't enough because it seems that my forgetfulness applies to other possessions as well. I bought this pair of ordinary black heels cos I'm starting work on an admin position and though it shouldn't be mandatory to wear heels, I thought that it's better to wear one to work to not look that sloppy. I left it at HG the ice cream shop after accompanying my friend to eat her ice cream and fortunately the store person helped me keep it when went back to get it. But then later I left it on the bus again while I'm alighting at the busstop near my house! And the bus just left like that!

Ok granted, the bus is not a living thing and so couldn't have known that a passenger has left her stuff onboard and warned me about it. And I was so sad initially when I first realised that my hand is empty and holding nothing. Two scares in a day but I'll never get it back after the second time I misplaced it. How careless can I get? Is it that difficult to just remember the additional plastic bag you have with you and just take it when you're leaving a place? I don't know why I keep forgetting little stuff like this. Ok, the shoes aren't very expensive, the price is quite average, but still, it's not like you don't feel sad after losing something you bought, all in the same day!

I really don't want to think bad about myself but seriously, I've a serious bout of forgetfulness which I hope to get over. Maybe I should try tying my hand to any plastic bags I'm holding, that way I won't ever forget to bring it along with me when I leave a place. Or I'll lug a big backpack around and just stash everything inside.

Ok, enough of an ordinary person's rantings about the goings-on of an ordinary day. I was thinking about this question which occurred to me quite long ago.

Why is it that when Adam and Eve's children mated amongst themselves in order to continue the bloodline of humans (assuming that it is scientifically impossible to prove that this story is untrue), it's considered as normal and not as incest? When did the occurance of mating among the children of the same set of parents become 'unholy', 'sinful', 'dirty' and 'unnatural' along the timeline of history since the time of Adam and Eve? Why is it that such notions and beliefs came to be held by most humans nowadays, when it was fine for it to happen in 4000 B.C?

Well, I'm not trying to say that incest is correct since logically if it's wrong in the first place, Adam and Eve's children wouldn't have been able to mate with each other since God would have forbidden them from doing so, so don't get me wrong and sue me for trying to spread unethical values online. It's just that I was wondering, if feelings of altruism came from our likeliness with God since we were made in His image, and if morals and ethics are present in society because of our innate conscience which subconsciously try to obey the will of God, then where do such feelings of disgust which most humans get when confronted with the idea of incest come from? If we couldn't control these feelings, if just by thinking about the idea of incest, we get grossed out and think that it's freaky and unnatural, then wouldn't it be safe to assume that these feelings exist because of the way we were being made, because God wanted us to be this way?

Then if so, why is it that Adam and Eve's children were able to procreate among themselves and yet if you try to do it now you'll get arrested under the rightful law? Did God make us differently as compared to Adam and Eve's generation? Is our hardwiring different from theirs in the past?

If incest only became 'wrong' after the population of humans have grown to a number large enough for it to become 'unnatural', then it would become logical if you look at it from a scientific point of view. Because if the human population on earth is large enough for there to be diversity of genes, it would help the human population should they procreate with people outside their immediate family and to procreate with your immediately blood-related family would be disastrous to the human bloodline since this would reduce the survival rate of the offspring.

But then how would you explain the grossed out feelings we get when faced with the idea of incest? Could it be that along the lines of realising the need to spread out the diversity of our genes, we humans have somehow 'evolved' to become in such a way that procreating with closely blood related people would become undesirable? Could humans even change their hardwiring in the form of their mindsets through evolution? Now the evolution I'm referring to in this case is not the one in Darwinism where humans have evolved from apes, it's the evolution that took place over the years of human progressment as they slowly adapted to their environment and began to evolve according to what their environment asks of them. I don't think humans evolved from apes because I believe in the creation of Man by God but it'll be hard to dispute evolvement within the human race over centuries. So could it be possible for such feelings against the idea of incest to be developed along the process of human evolution? If this is really so, then how about my previous theory about God hardwiring it into us to be naturally against incest? And this ties in with the idea of altruism as well, whether it was a necessary sentiment developed by humans for them to look out for each other to ensure the continuation of the human race or something which is already present in us since God made us have such thing as conscience when He made us.

Well, that's about it. I wonder if I'm clear about all that I'm trying to express. I'm going to do more research of my own and blog about my final conclusion about this topic in my next post. Starting work on Friday and I'm hoping that I would be able to have a com to my disposal so I can abuse it to my likings (so I'll be able to go online to chat, play online games and check up some other stuff). Well that's if the job is so slack that I finish up all my work in a jiffy and just spend the rest of my day relaxing in the air-coned office. Oh if I'm unable to go online and do the things I like, then I would say bye-bye and quit in a jiffy. I don't really care about not having an income right now during this long break. If I have to rot at work then I would rather not be working instead. Otherwise that'll be a waste of my time which I can use to do things which I actually enjoy and which enrich me.

Oh and to those people wondering why aren't I gonna apply to any overseas uni when I wanted to go overseas to study so much a few months ago. I don't usually like to write about much of my personal stuff here but I shall do that for now. It's because my father said that he doesn't have the confidence that his business would definitely not fail in the middle of my overseas studying should I go for an overseas education, especially in this kind of bleak economic situation. And I've been trying to widen my options here. Worse come to worse, should I go to FASS because NUS decide to skip my first two choices, I'll just go for theology as one of my majors (can two majors even be held at the same time in fass??!) I don't even know how it works. Well at least this is the only interest I have which I can study about. Though I don't really know what theology students study about and WHAT kind of JOB would such a student find after graduation.

Well I'm sorry to say that I still don't know what are God's plans for me. I'll just let God open whatever doors which he deem is for me and I'll just enter it. I might step through the threshold grudgingly but I'll definitely do it. Let's just hope that there is an obvious sign hanging over the door he wants me to go through.

Ok, I'm not going to lie and say that I typed this up within half an hour. I think i must have spent one and a half hours thinking through all this. And now its 5 in the morning and my head is whirling from the dizziness I got from the constant staring at the com screen and my lack of rest. Until the next time.
 

Psalms 31:9

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
       my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
       my soul and my body with grief.

Nah, I'm not saying that I'm like that, that would be too exaggerated. For even though you might be feeling sad, there is always another person who's feeling a hundred times more sadness than you, who experienced a much greater loss than you, yet he still pulled himself together in the end and got over his sadness. So what's a little disappointment to me? I often tell myself this, should I feel myself being sucked into a hollow depth of misery. Though you can't recover almost immediately, at least you can get it over with after your personal period of self-mourning and self-pity. The world is a cruel place, everyone's gonna leave you behind if you can't keep up and if you refuse to get over your personal demons. Everyone has their own problems, they're not gonna help you truly and sincerely even if you asked them for help, because there can never be anyone who truly understands your predicament. What's fake and insincere words of consolation and encouragement when they are being said to absolve the speaker of any guilt from not doing anything to help? I believe that there is no true altruism because I don't think that anyone would do any acts of kindness without having some benefits to themselves. Whenever someone helps someone else, he gets a sense of satisfaction, he feels better about himself, he can think to himself, "Well I'm a good person 'cos I helped someone today." Thus human beings only helped one another not because they truly care for that person, but because they want to feel better about themselves, because doing so would actually make them feel worthier, as though they are worthy to be alive on this earth.

Ok, I admit. I was a little way too extreme just now. There must exist some people in this world who does acts of kindness not to make themselves feel worthier, but really to better the other person's life. One thing for sure, I don't know if I can do it at all. I used to be full of concern for those people around me. But gradually I realise that these feelings of concern for those other than yourself, they don't always get appreciated, often they'll go to waste and disappear. And along with that, my feelings of altruism slowly disappeared as well.

Most Christians would naturally feel sad should they see people whom they know leave their church, renounce their faith in God and turn their backs on Him forever. But for some strange reason, I don't think I feel that way anymore. Perhaps I've never seen anyone whom I really care about leave church, or perhaps I've never truly cared enough for someone else to feel that much for him. But the truth is that I don't particularly feel any sadness at seeing people leave church and become disbelievers of God. There are so many people in this world who disbelieve in Him, what difference does it make to add a few more persons to that equation? Similarly, I don't really seem to have the joy of seeing another person come to know God. To me, that's a feeling that is long lost, far gone into the planes of nothingness, and only God knows where they have disappeared into.

Yes I know that I'm in a dangerous phase right now, I might just wake up one day and tell myself that I'm going to stop believing in God. But I know for sure that that day would never happen. You might say that I'm over-confident in something that not even the most seasoned child of God can say for sure. But I know that the truth that God exists in this world would never leave me. Due to various reasons, I know that though I might grow distant from God, I would never deny His existence in my heart. To me, though the existence of God might be non-scientific, though it might be illogical in the physical sense, but from what I see, it is completely logical for such an existence to be there, living alongside human civilisation. I wouldn't want to go into that now, for that would evoke my strong feelings of belief and I might go on and on about it. But I do know that I would never be able to deny the existence of such an All-seeing, omnipotent, omnipresent being.

I wouldn't stop going to church. Even if I missed some sessions, it would be because I got something else going on, such as an unexpected illness, an important work occasion or some other events. Yes some devout Christians would say that going to church every week is mandatory, it's a sign of your faith and commitment to God. But since I prefer my journey with God to be unreligious, to be more of a personal exchange with Him rather than a boring chore, I would dismiss such things as complete 100% attendance in church. Though I wouldn't cancel some events just to attend church, it doesn't mean that my faith in Him is less, it doesn't give anyone the right to say that I'm blasphemous, most of all it doesn't give anyone the right to judge me. If you've got the time to judge someone else's actions, why don't you go and improve on your own personal relationship with God and think of ways to stop your straying heart?

If we are to do as you say,
Without any complaints,
Without any protests,
Silently and willingly,
Will You be able to guarantee us,
A whole future of bliss?
Will You be able to guarantee us,
Success without a slimmer of failure?
Will you be able to bring us up on a neverending road of happiness
Without letting us slide down into despair?
If You say you will do all that,
That You will let us have the happiness that we're all looking for,
Then how would You explain those times
When You've let us down?
How would You cover up these past mistakes of yours
When you brought us up on a high,
Only to let us fall flat down on our faces,
Letting us feel the full impact of our disappointment?
You are so full of contradictions.
At times You make me want to rejoin your league of faith again,
Yet at times you make me want to denounce it all as a charade.
So tell me,
What is Your true intention,
What is Your true wish for all of us?
I hope I'll be able to know it one day,
Your plans for the hope-weary people.
 

You wasted your acne filled years away

By chasing skirts and giving out your number.

You thought that you're popular in your own right.

I didn't know any better and believed in your falsity

The red inked result slip,

You held it in your hand and cried.

For the entire day you laid on your bed

And teared like you've never sobbed before.

I didn't know what's happening,

Was young and ignorant at that time.

So I just got out of your way,

Just in case I got yelled at again.

Your parents wanted to comfort you.

Good parents they were indeed,

For wanting to shine a new ray of hope into your life.

You thanked them and left this place for another.

You became your old self again.

Self-important, oozing of arrogance.

My eyes were slighted,

I thought you were cool and intellectual.

But that ray of hope that's shone into your life

Lost its brightness soon after.

That fleeting time is just a temporary oasis

For you to continue living under an blissful illusion.

Hard reality still has to come some time.

You searched for that goal in life,

But found none eventually.

Perhaps it was my blighted perception of you,

You blamed the heavens and everyone,

But never yourself.

The kindness of your benefactors you took for granted.

After having squeezed them dry,

You came back and asked for more.

All the while maintaining that air of superiority.

I then realised how disgusted I am with you.

You took much from others,

Yet never gave them back what you could.

You lived on like a parasite,

Lashing out at those around you.

You crushed my dreams,

And made me wallow in my self-despairing waters.

I no longer hope or long for anything.

I no longer ask for any wishes to be granted.

If hopes exist to be crushed,

And desires exist to be trampled upon,

Then I would rather skip my share of these.

A person could still go on living without these.

It just means that the sparkle has gone,

That radiance has been smitten out.

I've become less obvious in a crowd of people.

But still I'm here.

Just breathing, it's a miracle.

And that's all that matters.

Well I wrote this because I got nothing better to do. It can be real, it can be made up. And I know that this is really a crappy piece of poetry cause it lacks difficulty and depth. But whatever, it's not like I'm aiming to be a poet or lit teacher.

Nosey people really irk me a lot, especially when they are so inquisitive about your affairs that they want to dig out every small detail from you. And no don't get me wrong, I'm extremely fine with close friends being nosey with me because it is a sign of their concern for you. In fact I love telling them about my plans for the future, my thoughts etc. BUT there are some people who are not close to you at all who suddenly become interested in you because of some special circumstances. And yes it's the release of the A level results which have brought about this sudden spike in nosiness among people. These nosey people leave you alone usually because they are not interested in knowing you personally or that they are not concerned with trying to improve their relationship with you. Then with the catalyst being the release of the A level results they suddenly become your personal consultant, wanting to know more about how you did, what are your plans in the future, when in fact they don't even give a damn about you before that. Talk about hypocrisy. Everyone is just looking out for their own interests, everyone is just looking for something to pass the time, everyone is just wanting to compare their results with that of others. And not only that, sometimes even after you told them about your future desired plans which might happen to be quite personal to you, they tell others behind your back about it. And before you go wondering "Damn I didn't even tell this person how did she know?" you can't take back the words you said last time and must live through it already. Well I shall not go into why people want to know about your affairs when they are just acquaintances. All I want to say is that I'm irritated. Really irritated. What is the use of knowing these kinds of things when you don't even bother with talking to the person in the first place? Nothing but to satisfy that dark monster called innate curiosity, and that's already a fine phrase to replace 'nosiness' and plain KPOness.

Well I sound as though I did poorly for As and so I'm ranting on and on about others but the truth is I did quite well for it. Not all As, not as good as my friends, not the scholarly kind of results, but yet I'm still extremely satisfied with it. In fact I'm quite proud of it. But something with me is that I sort of don't feel like telling others my results after I told some others initially. Because firstly, I'm tired of repeating myself, secondly, it's enough to know that I did quite well, quite fine, quite ok, anything more than that like the exact grades and stuff, that's nosiness. And I HATE nosiness. That's just a self-satisfactory act, inflicting annoyance on the other party even.